What it feels like: to have a mum in and out of hospital

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Would you rather be the person hurting or the person watching someone close to you hurt? 

There's this documentary about this girl who has gone through so much and in the end all she says is that it has to happen to someone, and she would rather it be her than someone else. No one wants to wish harm upon themselves, however would you rather you hurt or someone else? 

For years my mum has gone through so much, she had a difficult delivery when trying to deliver me, she's had lumps in her breast, she's suffered from common palpitations, high blood pressure, heart problems, kidney problems, her recent hurdle was a cyst in her stomach, this resulted in her having to remove her womb and having to have a bag attached to her stomachs open wound, she cleaned it herself and carried on with her life. Recently, she's had an operation to stitch up the wound so she would no longer need the bag... Everything went smoothly. At the moment she's in recovery. 

However, could I ever imagine her pain? No. Could I ever handle her pain? No. Have I been the angel she describes me as? No.

I've been in and out of hospital as many times as deemed possible throughout my life, except it wasn't for me... 

I would rather I could either take her pain or share it with her, when you see someone who is close to you, hooked up to machines, tubes coming in and out of her body as if she was a toy that is easy to manipulate. When you see someone who is close to you Gasp for breath, have tears rolling down their cheek and they can't move to wipe it away. When you hear someone who is close to you say that they are fighting for you. It makes you feel helpless, and all you want to do is help and ease the pain. When you haven't got anyone to talk to you feel horrible, you feel worthless. 

Automatically you think that you have to fake a smile, you can't show weakness, just like how that person who is fighting for their life is still smiling for you! You feel obliged to do the same. You go to school like nothing is wrong, you laugh, joke and push it all back. You go to the hospital and get reminded, that you can't help. 

All in all, the person who is fighting for their life is experiencing so much pain but so is everyone else around them, it's okay to hurt emotionally, don't feel as if you are not allowed because they are going through hell! If a person dies they go on to whatever comes after death, while the people on earth GRIEVE, HURT and get DAMAGED. Never tell someone they don't have a worry in the world, because if they never worried they don't care. Be thankful you have people who care and are willing to share or even take away your pain. No ones life is easy, no one is care free, don't say something you don't understand! Just because you can't see anything wrong doesn't mean that everything is alright. Hell and pain comes in different forms. I wish I did so many things differently, but I can't change the past. Do your best just like how they are doing their best, you aren't taking away attention by feeling upset, things don't only affect one person, but everyone around them too. 

Always supporting and voting for you.
Josephine Beth-xx