How a toxic relationship developed my anxiety.

Bad, there is no surprise it affected my anxiety wonderfully, the bottom line is that it was bad. Summer last year I took part in National Citizen Service, I was happy, bubbly, always went out with friends, life was great and so on and so on. I got into a relationship with a guy that went to my school and who would be the year above in the sixth form I joined.

Everything was great, he was nice, he always would message me and make the effort. However, a month in with being "official", he became sloppy and lazy, he stopped trying, it was me always trying to make the effort. Then he stabbed me with a knife (metaphorically) , he cheated- warning number 1, he went to a party and got with a girl AFTER the party. Guess what I did? I forgave him, I stayed, I did not shout, I did not blame him I became so blind by the feeling of having someone that I dismissed his "mistake". From this point on he began to chip at me bit by bit, I grew dull, upset and belittled. From then on every argument, every bad thing that caused stress in the relationship was my fault.

A lot of the arguments was blamed on me being "petty", although, as humans we expect to be treated the way we treat other people. Now, I am going to take blame in some of the things as it takes two to tango however, there would be no need for me to moan if he just acted accordingly. It was the little things, if he passed me in school he would ignore me, no acknowledgement, no hi, no hug, nothing. His excuse was he did not "notice me", now I realise that was a lie, no one is oblivious, people notice everything around them they just choose not to involve themselves. The thing that angers me most is, when I stopped trying and ignored him and would not acknowledge him, he would tell me off, he would make me the bad guy- warning number 2. Now by this point all my friends hated him, they would tell me I deserved better - warning number 3.

Throughout school, if he ever made me or saw me upset or cry he would dismiss me, he would walk off. He would not try to talk about it, he would not try to calm me down. he would not care that I was hurting. - warning number 4.

I gave up a lot for this guy, in all honesty he did not deserve any of it. Materialistic things are not as important but I took time to choose things for him. I had a part time job and never spent a penny on myself, all of it went to him. I would buy him surprise presents, I spent over £600 on this boy in the space of 9 months - not even a year. Of course he bought me stuff but they were minor, his excuse was he did not know what to get. His only priority was spending money on himself rather than anyone else. This was horrible of me to do but I made sure he was my priority, I would make more time for him than anyone else, ignoring my friends. When I came back from Philippines which was a 16  hour plane journey, I did not go home and sleep from jet lag I went to meet him straight away. His argument was he did not ask me to do that however I knew that was what he expected.

Now, there were two main arguments that has significance in this story. His friend invited me to stay over at his mates with all of them. When I am around new people I am quite shy, but then I soon warm up. Throughout the whole night, he left me alone to socialise by myself, he would not check if I was okay, he moaned at me for not talking to his friends when in fact I did and was happily making friends. He acted more polite to a new girl he has never met than towards me. - warning number 5. How do you think that made me feel? It made me feel irrelevant, worthless and little.

The final argument that topped the cake was that he was going to Magaluf for a lads holiday. I did not make a fuss, I did not shout, I did not make a scene. But then he wanted a free pass, which he wanted for his 18th as well. Now, girls if your man asks you for a free pass then you have to think, is he really satisfied with just you? why would he want any one else! - warning number 6. However, before Magaluf he did break up with me and even though he said he wanted to stay friends, we never talked after that. In all honesty I'm happy he broke up with me because he was crap inside and out, the only thing I wish that was different is that I broke up with him, because he did not deserve me, but karma will bite him. Worst of all he was a liar, he lied he liked me and he used me.

On to the anxiety:
I never had a problem with sadness or anxiety that I was aware of before this relationship. It started off minor, I would have panic attacks in class, and outside, I would shake and sometimes my arms would go numb, my chest would tighten in class and I would find it hard to breathe. Then it came everyday, I cried, I cried myself to sleep, I cried in school , I cried. Crying was all I did during this relationship. I am going to admit that I cried so much I became numb, I cut myself, more than once. It did not feel like anything, it didn't hurt, it just felt like nothing. Towards the end it got so bad. I would come home, sit on my floor in the dark cry so hard I vomited and couldn't breathe. I had a day I cried so much my chest started to hurt, I lay on my floor and found myself unable to move. My mum found me she cried, she told me to be strong. She said she would get sick if I became sick. All I wanted to do was die. Yes, I went through a day where I just wanted to give up, I felt so lonely, so tired and sick of crying and dealing with people, I felt so little that I would not have minded giving up my life. People may think this is all because of a relationship? no don't be silly the relationship was the devil that pushed me over the edge. It was the tipping point, the event that broke me inside. I gave all of myself to someone and made myself vulnerable and all they did was break me, stab me, and let me bleed day by day. There was one last warning number 7 that I ignored, my friend would ask me if I was depressed, I laughed and lied, I said don't be silly and denied it. But my friend was right, I was beaten by this monster and to top it off I was being strangled by that relationship.

Guess what? I got better, ending the relationship was the best thing in the world. It made me focus on friends who helped me, It made me happy again. I am now back to being happy, bubbly, chatty and positive like nothing was ever wrong with me.

I made this post because I had a hundred of warning signs that the relationship I was in was toxic, but there were 7 main ones. That boy in all honesty is not good looking, he is ugly inside and out, his personality is horrible too, everyone says it. As for me, I am not ugly, I am a pretty girl with a good heart that puts everybody else before myself. I love being kind to others because that is more rewarding than getting gifts. Seeing other peoples smiles and happiness is worth so much more when you know you're the cause. What I want all of my readers to know, Male or female. Is that you are worth it. Do not lower your standards, do not settle for less than you deserve. Do not get sucked into a situation just because they appear to be lovely and nice, it is easy to act. Do not settle because you want to be in a relationship, wait because trust me it will be worth your wait. You are amazing, you are worth it. You deserve to be happy too. It is rare to find love when you are searching for it. Do not be afraid to remove yourself from a situation that is or will affect you badly. Don't lower your standards and know your worth, you deserve better, leaving is hard but you'll be better off.

Always supporting and voting for you.
Josephine Beth-xx 



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